Dread...

(*Note: This post is more introspective diary entry than exciting news. I will not be offended if you do not keep reading. I simply wanted to record these thoughts, so that when I am tempted to look back on my time in Cambridge and romanticize it, I will remember these feelings and the reality of the less glamourous days.)

"So, Kelsey, what do you do all day while Matt is in class? How do you spend so much free time?" These are the questions I dread. I think I might even hate them, and I don't typically let myself hate anything. Mostly I feel inadequate because I don't have a good answer. What do I fill my time with? How is it that I have not stepped foot outside since Sunday afternoon, and probably won't until tomorrow morning? Surely I must have some epic ongoing project that consumes my hours and makes the days worthwhile. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I really don't. And yes, I feel guilty about it. Sometimes. I should probably be out volunteering at the hospital or feeding the homeless. At the very least, I should be in the best shape of my life with a regular workout routine and healthy food on the table. But, the fact is that I am not. I've lived in Cambridge for over 4 months now, (almost half of our total time here) and I haven't gotten particularly invested in any one thing. But, I'm certainly not bored. I don't feel lonely. And truth be told, I'm content. Does that make me a bad person, or at least a lazy one?

How then do I answer those questions? (Which come up with great frequency, especially when meeting new people, which happens on a regular basis.) Most people in their early twenties are either working or studying, and I'm doing neither in an official capacity. I used to start by addressing the expectations and saying that my visa doesn't allow me to work. But that excuse isn't even valid anymore because I found out that I can indeed legally secure a job...if I wanted to. After that, I would say that I was thinking about auditing some classes (taking them without earning credit), but Cambridge doesn't make it particularly easy to locate course schedules and offerings. Plus, I'm not confident enough to sit in a class just for fun. What if I was called on by the professor and didn't have an answer, and then just looked really awkward and unintelligent, and all the while I didn't even have to be there in the first place? So, now we have established that I neither work nor study, which I am sure leads some people to perceive me as someone who is not particularly driven. I just mooch off of my husband's accomplishments and enjoy my giant holiday. (That last sentence is only partially true.) Ok. So I think I should just list a few things that I have done since being here. Maybe then I will have a better arsenal of answers next time someone asks the dreaded questions.

- I planned multiple trips across Europe for my family and friends. Booking hotels and transportation and excursions while maintaining a sensible budget takes time. Lots of it. I have a newly discovered respect for travel agents.
- I blogged. Obviously. Something that takes a reader minutes to scan over can take me hours to construct. Picture editing and proofreading are not speedy tasks.
- I maintained a household (though it doesn't require all that much effort due to the limited square footage.) I kept things clean. I did the laundry. I washed the dishes. I made the bed. I invented ways to scrub the toilet. I decorated (as much as could be expected in a temporary dwelling.) Not to toot my own horn, but I think I managed to take care of a lot of things that Matthew otherwise would not have done on his own. Or at least I removed some of those duties from his radar so that he could focus on academia.
- I made friends. (This one was initially a challenge.) For the first time in my life, I had to be extra proactive in order to meet people. It was entirely up to me to get dressed, get out there, and create a social life. It wouldn't matter in the least to anyone in the entire United Kingdom whether I ever left our apartment. Thankfully, God had already set up a few divine appointments ahead of time. And I had an especially sensitive best friend named Matthew who did his darnedest to ensure my happiness. He sought out social opportunities for me to partake in and more or less made me break out of my comfort zone. Even now, relationships are deepening and progressing in ways that felt impossible a few short months ago.
- I kept myself entertained. Reading is something that has occupied countless hours in my daily routine. The iPad has provided me with the ongoing news of the world. I'm aware that Beyoncé birthed Blue Ivey, and that Haiti observed the anniversary of its earthquake, and that the Euro Zone is going bust. I have studied the life of the apostle Paul for the past 8 weeks and have spent exponentially more time in the Word. Unbroken and Death Comes to Pemberley were the highlights of my pleasure reading. Furthermore, the Internet, the BBC, and other British television channels have enabled me to watch fascinating documentaries on all sorts of topics. Most recently, Queen Elizabeth II and John Muir were the subjects of the more interesting programs. (Of course, not everything has been educational. Sorority Girls, Modern Family, and Made in Chelsea have found their way onto my laptop screen on several occasions.)
- I helped Matthew preserve his sanity. Actually, at times I probably did the opposite and drove him crazy. But in all seriousness, I think this has been our biggest mutual achievement - concluding that the more time we spend together, the more we can't imagine conquering life's adventures with anybody else. These 9 months are most likely the only months we will have to spend exclusively together. After July, it is going to be job/medical school/family/friends/kids/obligations. Never again will we be in such relative isolation with such few restrictions. I am doing my best to cherish every meal eaten together, every night in, every afternoon spent sitting ten feet away from each other in the living room - these fleeting weeks spent in close proximity will soon enough give way to hectic schedules and the American dream (aka "rat race.")

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Has my time in Cambridge been purposeless? By no means. Slower paced? Absolutely. Selfish? Perhaps at times. Am I worried that the next phase in life is going to be drastically different and more stressful when I have to work full-time, Matthew dedicates himself to medical school, and we have way more responsibilities (doggie, house, cars, church, etc.)? That would be a resounding yes! But, I have to remind myself of Matthew 6:34. I love the way The Message version rewords the classic verses about how we should not worry. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Who by worrying adds even an hour to his life?"  There's nothing wrong with looking forward to the future or gazing fondly upon the past, but the present is the only thing I can tangibly take ahold of and change. That's what I do all day. That's how my spare time is spent.

Thank You, Jesus, for the chance to stop and smell the English roses.